Touching our own sexual areas
Touch and Tenderness, no 14
The technical term for touching oneself sexually is ‘masturbation’ which may be defined as self-stimulation to cause sexual sensations.
The word masturbation usually suggests that the person is manipulating his or her genitals to the point of intense pleasure or orgasm.
Young people, at times, indulge in masturbation when they discover their own sexuality. Then it is a passing phase. Others keep doing it through life.
How to evaluate this practice?
The act of self-gratification in masturbation, if it is practised by a person on his or her own, lacks the full meaning of human sexuality which is directed towards a loving relationship. Masturbation may then even minimise the potential of the loving touches between two partners.
Also, for some people, the practice may become almost an obsession. They may become addicts, and addiction always has some side-effects.
So masturbation, on the whole, is not a good idea.
On the other hand, the blanket condemnation of masturbation by traditional moralists as a 'mortal sin' - a sin deserving eternal punishment in hell - is not right. Their judgment is based on faulty presumptions.
John Wijngaards
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Touching our partner's sexual areas
Touch and Tenderness, no 13
The sexual areas of our body are the most sensitive parts of our skin. We should remember this when touching our partner.
Here touch is most effective and meaningful when it is applied softly, gently and with loving care.
We should caress and stroke, gradually evoking the desired response.
Sexual touch can communicate ever so much: affection,
love,
respect,
the wish to give to our partner rather than just take,
to make him or her feel pleasure
and feel happy in your love.
Are you making the best use of such delicate and intimate moments?
John Wijngaards
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Sensual massage
Touch and Tenderness, no 12
Massaging your partner with love and tenderness greatly strengthens the bonds between you. Read this excerpt:
'My loving and ravishingly beautiful mother lay stretched out face down on the white sand of the beach. My father knelt on his knees beside her, leaning forwards. His hands gently stroked her back, sliding from the velvet skin of her shoulder blades, down the shallow dip of her waist to the fleshy mounds of her buttocks.
My mother groaned with pleasure.
I knelt opposite him on the other side of my mother. My father used the occasion to teach me how to give a massage. The three of us were naked. Gloriously naked and free.
“Always electrify the skin first”, he told me.
“How?”
“With your fingertips.”
I looked attentively as he showed me.
“Apply a featherlike touch. Like this. Just skip tenderly over the skin till you feel it tingle.”
He stiffened his hands.
“And then you grope deeper.”
“Pressing the skin?”
“Yes, my girl. Mould the flesh under the skin. Knead the soft tissue . . . ”
This is an excerpt from the first two pages of the book AMRUTHA.
Read the full chapter here.
John Wijngaards
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My skin tingles . . .
Touch and Tenderness, no 11
This is a poem are wrote twenty years ago:
My skin tingles
with the glow of your touch.
I feel it stir
the core of my being
as the hand of God
clasping cold
distant
untouchable me.
Your trusting embrace
so tender and loving
frees me
from the deep seated fear
of lovelessness.
It's God in you
who kisses me
who releases in me
a new power of tenderness.
Your face on my face
your lips on mine
my body enfolded
by the curves of your limbs.
As we melt to be one
I seek with you
to have part in Being and Love.
John Wijngaards
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What kind of person am I?
Touch and Tenderness, no 10
Have you ever reflected on the kind of person you feel you are?
Do you feel loved? How does your feeling loved relate to your being touched? Do you allow others to touch you? Can you read their touching you with sensitivity?
Does giving love and tenderness make you happy? When you touch others, is it a meaningful sign of what you want to tell them?
Does your experience of touch tell you about your world and the way you know God? Could you say: I know God, because I feel love -- and God is love?
Does your world become wider, warmer, deeper and richer through your discovering the marvel of touch?
John Wijngaards
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Touching human beings
Touch and Tenderness, no 9
Togetherness
In our attempt to become more sensitive to touch, we have paid attention to plants and trees (25 August), then to animals (26 August).
We may now be ready to focus attention on human beings.
Some cultures severely limit the free expression of touch so make the most of what is socially acceptable.
What does a handshake mean to you? Is it just a formality, or do you notice it puts you in touch with another person?
What do you feel when you kiss or hug? Is your touch truly a sign of friendship, or even love?
Are you aware of the looks, words or gestures you may use to substitute for bodily contact, and how this affects others?
Do you feel how other people 'stroke you' or 'hit you' by what they do?
How much love and tenderness is there in your 'contact' with other persons?
John Wijngaards
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Touching plants and animals
Touch and Tenderness, no 8
Remember that we are trying to make ourselves more sensitive to reality around us.
After having sensitised ourselves to the feeling of objects (see August 25), we will now turn to plants and animals. They are living beings. You will be surprised at how the experience affects you.
Gently touch the leaves and stems of plants, the bark of a tree. Notice their texture. Try to sense the life that pulses through.
Now allow your hand to carress a cat, a dog or the flanks of a horse. Perhaps you can hold a bird in your hand.
Here you notice the pulse of life even more distinctly, the warmth that exudes, the inner movements that make the creature alive.
How does it affect you?
John Wijngaards
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Learning a new touch
Touch and Tenderness, no 7 There is an intimate connection between our sense of touch and our ability to love. Psychologically we cannot keep the two apart. It is not without reason that people speak of persons who are 'touchy' or 'thick-skinned'.
To become more sensitive to love we should start with our body. Here is an exercise you might want to explore.
* Begin by concentrating on the feel of things and objects . Take note of whatever touches your skin: the pressure of the shoe on your foot, the feel of your clothes, fresh air on your face, the flow of water on your body when you take a shower.
With your finger tips you should sample various surfaces: a woolly blanket, a smooth window pane, a lumpy piece of earthenware.
You should touch these objects deliberately, as when you were a baby exploring the world around you. Register how things feel when touched and so become more sensitive to reality.
John Wijngaards
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Jesus was moved by touch . . .
Touch and Tenderness, no 6
The Gospel relates an incident in Jesus' life that tells us much about touch.
A Pharisee invited Jesus to have dinner with him and Jesus went to his house and sat down to eat. In that town was a woman who lived a sinful life. She had heard that Jesus was eating in he Pharisee's house, so she brought an alabaster jar full of perfume and stood behind jesus, by his feet, crying and wetting his feet with her tears. Then she dried his feet on her hair, kissed them and poured the perfume on them.
When the Phariee saw this he said to himself, "If this man really were a prophet, he would know who this woman is who is touching him; he would know what kind of sinful life she leads!"
Jesus spoke up and said to him, Simon, I have something to tell you".
"Yes,teacher," he said,"tell me."
"There were two men who owed money to a moneylender", Jesus began. "One owed him 500 silver coins, and the other one 50. Neither of them could pay him back so he cancelled the debts of both. Which one, then, will love him more?"
"I suppose", answered Simon, "that it would be the one who was forgiven more."
"You are right," Jesus said." The he turned to the woman and said to Simon: "Do you see this woman? I came into your home, and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss, but he has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no oil for my head, but he has coveed my feet with perfume. I tell you, then, the great love she has shown proves that her many sins have been forgiven. But whoever has been forgiven little show only a little love."
Then Jesus said to the woman: "Your sins are forgiven". (Luke 7,36-50)
Not only did Jesus repay her confident touch with great sensitivity, he gave her the great compliment of saying she was a person who has 'loved much'. Even though she had sinned, Jesus said she would be forgiven because she was capable of true love.
John Wijngaards
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Touching someone who is dying . . .
Touch and Tenderness, no 5
When we visit a dear friend or member of our family who is very ill or dying, we may have noticed how simply holding their hand can give great comfort. It tells our dear one: "I still love you!"
The following story by an English soldier who fought in the First World War moves me.
"It was 1916 in Flanders. We had tried to over-run the enemy lines, but failed. I was left behind with a bleeding head and a crushed knee. My mate Bill lay fifteen feet away from me, whimpering with pain. There was nothing I could do for him."
"Suddenly a German officer approached us. He saw Bill, knelt down and offered him a drink from his water bottle."
"Bill looked at him with feverish eyes and said: 'Mother, are you here?'
"The officer bent over him and, as in response, gently stroked his forehead, smoothing away his straggling hair."
"A smile came on Bill's face and he visibly relaxed. He looked at the German once more, whispered, 'Mother!' and slumped back. I realised that he had died. The German stretched out his hand once more and tenderly closed his eyes. Then he made a sign of the cross. When he turned to me, I could see he had tears in his eyes. From War Memories.
John Wijngaards
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How Linda was saved by Touch
Touch and Tenderness, no 4
If you are a priest, people at times tell you things you would not hear otherwise. The following story was narrated to me by a lady who happened to sit next to me on a Green Coach journey. It is as true as it is extraordinary. I am re-telling it because I believe that others might benefit from the experience. I will tell it the way she told me.
"After I had been married for sixteen years, I got a divorce. We had three children at the time: a boy of ten and two daughters of twelve and thirteen. The last years of our marriage were catastrophic. In the end my relatives had to intervene and almost separate us physically. I had begun to fear and hate my husband so much that every evening I hoped that he would have an accident on the way back home from work."
Entering a dark tunnel
"After the divorce I first felt an immense relief. But then things began to change. Friends and relatives took little interest in me. I began to feel lonely and deserted in the new place I had moved to. I became frustrated and despondent. It was like forever sinking deeper into a dark well. I took medicine, but it did not cure me of my depression. I came to the conclusion that I had nothing to live for. I decided to take the consequences and to make an end to it all."
"I had completely lost all sense of feeling, for, although I did love my children, their presence did not seem to make any difference. I planned my departure in a cold and detached manner. I waited till it would be Friday, because on Fridays my children had music class after school so that they would come home later than usual. I saw them off to school as on other days, I put some money and a message on the kitchen table to tell them that I was ill, that they had better go out for supper and buy themselves fish and chips. Then I went to my bedroom, undressed and stretched out on my bed, holding in my hand the bottle of amphetamines I intended to swallow. I felt nothing just emptiness."
The Touch
"At that moment the door opened and my thirteen year old daughter came in. Returning because she had forgotten something, she had read the notice on the kitchen table. "Mummy ", she said, "You look ill! " And she embraced me lovingly with tears in her eyes.
That simple, tender touch did more to me than anything I have ever experienced. It was as if I woke up from a dream. Until that time I had even given up on God. But suddenly the thought came to my mind. "What am I complaining about? God has given me three miracles of love. I have something to live for!" In one stroke I was back on the way to sanity of mind and to a desire to give my children as much love as I could."
Think about it: Linda only came to her senses when her daughter touched her. Her children had been there all the time. It needed the touch of human skin to make her re-discover concern and love.
John Wijngaards
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Skin makes feelings possible
Touch and Tenderness, no 3
As I said before, the skin has many functions. It is waterproof and keeps infections out. It regulates our body temperature. It protects us from knocks and blows. It has an important psychological task. It is a well known fact that young children who have not been stroked and caressed during the first days and months of their life, will retain feelings of unhappiness throughout their lives.
We can even go a step further. From our own intimate experiences we know how closely our skin is linked to our deepest emotions.
- We blush when we feel embarrassed.
- We become pale, we tremble or feel cold sweat when we are afraid.
- We glow with satisfaction and happiness when our heart rejoices.
- Human feeling has both a bodily and a psychological component. As can be seen also in all expressions of human love. To reach out to others, we touch.
John Wijngaards
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The Wonder of our Skin
Touch and Tenderness, no 2
The skin is one of our most intriguing organs. Scientists tell us that our body is covered by thousands of small receptors that can sense cold, heat, contact or pain. Just imagine the complexity of the organisation! Every square inch of our skin has an average of three hundred receptors. Each of these is connected separately, via long and sensitive nerves, to the touch centres in our brain. At the top of the brain stem six hundred thousand of such nerves are entering the brain cavity, to fan out in different directions to their awareness points in the cerebrum. The end result is that we are in communication with every part of our skin all the time.
The skin has many functions. It is waterproof and keeps infections out. It regulates our body temperature. It protects us from knocks and blows. But it also has an important psychological task. It is a well known fact that young children who have not been stroked and caressed during the first days and months of their life, will retain feelings of unhappiness throughout their lives. When entering into this world a human being needs to be cuddled to acquire a basic sense of security and wellbeing. We need to be touched!
John Wijngaards
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The Marvel of Human Touch
Touch and Tenderness, no 1
Of all our human experiences love is the strangest and the most beautiful of all. On the one hand it is so much part of our flesh and skin, of our bodily feelings. Yet it touches at the same time our deepest self, the inmost centre of our spirit.
What is the nature of touch? What is specifically human about it? How does it relate to love? Why does it make sense to be unselfish - also when we touch?
In this series we reflect on sensitivity. Do we appreciate the marvel of touch? Have we discovered the deepest meaning of God being Love? Can we touch? Do we allow ourselves to be touched?
John Wijngaards
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